Absence makes the heart grow fonder
by BTRCarlosFan333
Summary: Logan and Carlos broke up a year ago and neither of them took it well.. so what will Logan do to make it better? read and find out- AU: This is my first fanfic ever :
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone! So this is my first FanFic ever :) I decided to go with Cargon because I love them the most Hope you like it **

**Disclamier: I don't own Big Time Rush- If I did... well ;D and I also don't own the beautiful song by Taylor Swift: Back To December **

**Enjoy**

Carlos was still depresed. Nothing, _nothing _could bring him out of his emotional state. Actually the word 'nothing' seemed to be a word that best described Carlos's behavior for the last year. After Logan and him had a fight and Logan broke up with him, Carlos became a living body of nothing. For the first week he would barly eat or drink anything, which scared the hell out of Kendall and James because usually it would be hard to _not _find him ingourging himself. He wouldn't talk to anyone, and his usually hyper and lively self was gone. After four monthes he started to get better- but not really. He would eat more- but only enought to keep him for starving. And when people were talking he would pay slightly more attention, but he wouldn't become part of the converstation. The only time he would talk to someone was if they asked him directly. One year had passed scense thier brake- up, and that was when Kendall thought it was time for Carlos to snap out of it.

"Carlos?" Kendall asked one afternoon. The Latino didn't reply, he just looked up to the sound of his name. "Do you want to do something today?" Again Carlos didn't answer he just shrugged his shoulders. "Well I was thinking that we could go to the park. James is coming too, so do you want to go?"

"Not really," Carlos replied. His voice was so full of missery that it almost tore Kendall's heart out.

"Come on Carlos, you need to get out of the house." Kendall really needed to get Carlos to the park. Not only was it going to get him out of the house, but because Kendall and James had secretly been talking to Logan for the past year and Logan was planning on meeting them in the park.

"I don't feel like going." Carlos's voice cracked as he spoke. Remembering how he and Logan use to go to the park together.

"Please Carlitos, I'm begging you. I really need you to go." Kendall stopped short, as he almost reviled why Carlos need to go.

"Why do you need _me _to go? You said James was going," He pointed out. "No one needs me," he muttered under his breath.

"Carlos stop that, get your butt off the couch and lets go." Kendalls patiance was wearing thin.

Carlos just sighed and stood up. "Fine," he said and walked out the door.

**In the Park **

"James I can't do this, he hates me," Logan pleaded.

"He _should _hate you, but that's why you have to do this." James's voice was highly critical. Although they still talked to Logan, Kendall and James had never fully forgave him for leaving Carlos like that.

"I know," Logan sighed. He walked over to sit on the park bench, looking down at the grass. "How has he been?"

"Bad." Logan let out a cry. He never _ever_, for as long has he lived, thought that he would hurt Carlos like that. And he never forgive himself for what he did.

"Logan you can do this. Carlos needs to know how your feeling, it's the only way to help him get better."

"I know," Logan took a deep breath and then looked back up to James. "What if he doesn't want to talk to me?"

James hesitated for a second, before speaking his mind. "He probably _won't _want to talk to you, but that's why Kendall and I are here. We will _make _him listen. We can't stand to see him like this anymore. Just stick with the plan, then we'll see how it plays out. But remember- if Carlos still hates you after this- well just... know that you tried."

Logan felt like his heart was ripped into a million pieces as James spoke, but everything that he said was true, so he took another deep breath and waited for Carlos.

**Ariving at the park**

"Kendall can I go back? I really don't want to go to the park," Carlos said for the fith time.

"No, we're almost there," Kendall said again.

"And were is James? you said he was coming too," Carlos said in a heavy voice.

"He's already here," Kendall stated as they walking into the park.

"Where? I don't see him."

"He's right over there," Kendall pointed to the bench that James was sitting at. Carlos was just about to walk over when he noticed another boy siting next to his friend.

"No."

"Yes."

"No, I'm not going over there." Carlos hissed and then turned around to run away, he couldn't though. Kendall has locked his arms around the Latino's waist and started to drag him forward.

"KENDALL LET ME GO!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, fighing against his friends grip.

"No, you need this. JAMES HELP ME" Kendall yelled.

James jummped of the bench and ran over the help restrain Carlos. Kendall losened his arms around the Latinos waist and clasped his shoulder blaid. James grabbed Carlos's legs and picked him off the ground, trying to avoid a kick in the face as Carlos legs swung madly.

"NO NO NO! STOP! LET ME GO!" He cried. Kendall and James didn't answer him they just schleped him forward.

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" Carlos pleaded. Trusting his body to try and break free. He noticed that Kendall and James had stopped moving so he titlted his head to look around. When he spotted Logan he started shouting again.

"NO LET ME GO! I HATE HIM." Everyone seemed to freeze as Carlos spoke those last three words. Kendall and James looked at each other and wondered if they were doing the right thing. And Logan looked like he was going to run away and cry.

"Please Carlos. Logan has something he need to tell you. Just talk to him," Jame requested. Carlos looked back to his ex and felt his heart sweel up. A mix of emotions flickered across his face; fear, pitty, sorrow, hope, pain.

"Let me go." Carlos said again, this time his voice was normal. Kendall gave James a look and nodded. Both of them released the boy and looked at him, waiting for him to do something.

"Kendall, James can you give us a few minutes?" Carlos asked, not breaking eye contact with Logan.

"Of course," James answered and then turned to walk away with Kendall.

**Siting on the Park bench**

"Do you want to sit?" Logan asked, scooting over so Carlos wouldn't have so stand, this was going to be hard.

"What do you want to say? Just say it so I can leave," Carlos mutter.

"I-I-I'm...I need to say, when I- look... you, I-I-I" Logan was having trouble, that much was obvious, he wouldn't look at Carlos, the just fidgeted with zipper on his jacket.

"Logan just tell me I'm here."

"I needed to see you, I-I-I-I-I'm s-s-so s-sor-rry. I-I-I c-c-can't-t take i-it anym-mo-ore." Logan started crying and he mentally scolded himself _How am I going to tell him if I don't stop crying? Stupid Logan get a grip on yourself. _

"L-Logan?" Carlos's voice was soft now, worried. What was with Logan?

After taking a few breaths Logan wipped the tears from his cheek. "I needed to see you so I could tell you something."

"Well what is it?" Carlos asked, was this why Logan was crying?

"Well I couldn't actually put it into words... so a wrote a song about it." Leaning over Logan picked up a gutar that was purchsed agaisnt the back of the bench.

_How had I missed that? _Carlos thought to himself _wow your really out of it Carlos. _

Logan took another deep breath before he started playing.

_I'm so glad you made time to see me.  
How's life? tell me how's your family,  
I haven't seen them in a while-_

_You've been good, busier then ever.  
We small talk,working the weather.  
Your guard is up and I know why- _

_'Cause the last time you saw me  
is still burned in the back of your mind  
You gave me roses and I left them there to die _

Carlos remembered the last time he saw Logan. It was when they broke up, and Logan's words were true. That memorie has never left is mind, he thought about it everyday.

_So this is me swallowing my pride  
standing in front of you  
saying in sorry for that night  
And I go back to December all the time_

Carlos felt like he was going to go into shock. Logan was usually so self right, he never liked to admit that he was wrong- but here he was saying that sorry for what he did. And he thought about that night as well.

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,  
wishing I'd realized what I had, when you were mine.  
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right  
I'd go back to December all the time_

_Logan misses me? _Carlos didn't know what was going on. Was this a dream? _He just said that he would redo everthing. _This must be a dream.

_These days I haven't been sleeping  
Staying up playing back myself leaving.  
When your birthday passes and I didn't call- _

That was one of the worst days in Carlos's life- his birthday- He knew he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up, but he did. And when he didn't hear from Logan his depresion got worse.

_And I think about summer, all the beautiful times  
I watched you laughing from the passengers side  
And realized I loved you in the fall. _

Carlos knew what Logan was referring to when the mentioned the summer and fall. The summer was one of their best times as a couple. Gustavo had given them a month off, and they spent almost every moment with eachother. The fall was talking about the year previous to that summer, when Logan told Carlos he loved him.

_And then the cold came,  
the dark days when fear crept into my mind  
You gave me all your love  
and all I gave you was good-bye _

The word good-bye had an ever lasting inprint on Carlos. Hearing Logan tell him that was the start of a never ending cycle of waiting, hope and anxiouty.

_So this is me swallowing my pride  
standing in front of you  
saying in sorry for that night.  
And I go back to December all the time._

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,  
wishing I'd realized what I had, when you were mine.  
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind  
I'd go back to December all the time. _

Logan really would change his mind. If he knew what his words and actions of that night would cause, he would have never done it.

_I miss your tan skin your sweet smile  
so good to me, so right  
And how you held me in your arms that September night  
The first time you ever saw me cry_

Carlos had started quietly crying. Logan really did miss him, he missed his tan skin and his sweet smile. That September night wasn't _really _the first time Carlos had saw him cry, but it was the first time he saw him cry as a couple. Logan had gotten the call that his dad had died, and Carlos was with him the entier time, holding him, making sure he was okay.

_Maybe this is wishful thinkin'  
Probably mindless dreaming  
If we ever loved again:  
I swear I'd love you right. _

If they ever loved again. That was something that had crossed both of thier minds. _What would Logan do if he loved me again? _Carlos had wondered. Now he knew. Logan would love him right.

_I'd go back in time and change it,  
but I can't.  
So if the chain is on your door,  
I understand. _

Logans voice started to shake as he sung those last ten words. He knew that Carlos would hate him, but he could never stop hoping that maybe someday Carlos would forgive him.

_But this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night  
And I'd go back to december_

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you  
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine and  
I go back to december, turn around and make it alright and_

_I go back to december, turn around and change my own mind and  
I go back to december all the time. _

When Logan finnished the last line he looked back up to Carlos.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder..." Carlos whispered, not meeting Logan's eyes.

"Carlos look at me." Logan waiting till the Latino looked up, "I'm sorry, can you forgive me?"

"Logan... I-I don't know. You have no idea how much you _hurt _me. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and evertime I walk into our bedroom I notice your empty bed. _Why did you leave me like that?" _He cried.

"I was just mad. When we had our fight, and I said all thoughs things- please know that never thought it would hurt you like that." his voice was nothing but truthful.

"But Logan, it _did _hurt me like that," Carlos relplied weakly.

"Please Carlos, tell me what I need to do for you to forgive me. Believe me when I tell you I am more sorry than you could ever know. Everyday I think about what I did and it _kills _me. What do you want me to do? I'm never going forgive myself, and I can't stand it if you_ hate me. _I'm not asking that you take me back._ Just please forgive me," _Logan cried.

Carlos had never seen Logan in this much agony- he had never _anyone _in this much agony. But his feelings towards Logan stayed the same.

"Logan I'm sorry. I wish I could just move on," Carlos sighed.

"Me to Carlos. I was a jerk- no I was more than that, because I hurt someone I love. I wish I could forget what I did to you, more than that, I wish _you _could forget what I did. You didn't deserve what I did to you."

"I've missed you," Carlos whispered.

"Does that mean you forgive me?" Logan asked.

"I still don't know. Can I have some time to think about all this?"

"Of course," Logan replied.

Carlos got up and Logan stood up seconds after. Just ask Carlos was about to walk away Logan grabed his wrist.

"But Carlos, even if you don't forgive me- even if you do hate me forever. Will you still be there for me? I know that's selfish but I need you in my life."

Carlos thought that over for a minute. "Yes, I'll be there for you."With that Carlos turned away to find Kendall and James. Only he was stopped. Logan had pulled him into a tight hug.

"I'm holding on to something that used to be there, hoping it will come back." Logan whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

**I know I'm a lier (I said I would update this yesterday, but my grandma and cousin popped in for a suprise vist) But never the less, here is part two. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, no matter how much I wished I did. **

**Warning: This chapter contains swearing**

**Enjoy**

Logan let go of Carlos, giving him a hopeful look. Carlos sighed before giving his ex a small smile; he turned around to look for Kendall and James. He saw them standing next to one of the many tress' in the park. He walked over slowly, still dazed by the things Logan had said. When he finally made his way to his friends, he gave them an accusing look.

"Are you happy?" He asked them both.

"Well do you forgive him?" James countered. Carlos shook his head no, receiving two disappointed faces.

"Why not?" Kendall asked sofly.

"Kendall I... I just don't know if I can let him into my life again. _I love him. _And I've missed him, and I wan't to move on- but I know there is no one out there like him. All there will ever be in my heart is Logan. _But he hurt me,_" Carlos said as he began to tear up.

"Carlos..." Kendall said, pulling his friend into a hug. "Just do what is going to make you happy, I hate seeing you so sad." Carlos pulled away from Kendall's hug after a long moment.

"I told Logan that I needed to think about what happened, so that's what I'm going to do. I'll see you later."

"Bye Carlos," Kendall said.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy again buddy," James said as he waved goodbye.

"Later guys," Carlos said before walking away.

**At the Palmwoods**

Carlos had made it back to the apartment in a short time, letting his mind wonder on his journey there. He walked into the apartment; immidatly heading for his bedroom. When he got there he flopped down on the bed, he head hitting agaisnt something that crinkled under the pressure. Shifting his body he reached behind him to remove the object. When he pulled it out from under him he saw that it was a piece of paper. Attached to the paper was a sticky note.

_Logan thought you might want this, so here it is.- Mama Knight. _

Scanning over the paper he realized that it was the lyrics to the song Logan had sung for him. Throwing the paper to the floor Carlos buried his face in his hands. After kicking off his shoes the Latino grabbed his pillow and held it to his chest. He looked up at the ceiling for a very long time, trying to organize his thoughts; but eveything in his brain was a mess. Sighing he rolled over to pick up the disgarded peice of paper.

_Your gaurd is up and I know why-_Were the first words he read. Holding back another sigh Carlos moved his eyes to the beginning of the paper and began to read the lyrics. He had read the music three times throughbefore placing it back on the floor.

"Oh Logie," Carlos breathed- using his old nickname for his boyfriend. "Why did you do it? Why did you hit me?" He mummbled to himself.

_*__**Flashback**__*_

It was eleven forty- three p.m and Logan still wasn't back home. Althought he knew Logan hatted it, Carlos's nerves had got the better of him and had called and texted him repetedly.

"Come on Logie pick up the phone," Carlos saidn ervously into the receiver. The called had gone to voice mail so Carlos left _another _message. "Hey Logie it's me. You said you would be back at ten and it's eleven forty- three, and I'm worried. So please called me back, I just wanna know you're okay... Love you..." Carlos whisperd before disconnecting the call. Not two minutes after Carlso had left his message, a very wet Logan walked through the door.

"Logan!" Carlos shouted, running up and giving his boyfriend a hug. Logan gave a grunt inresponse, shoving the smaller boy off of him. "Logan?" Carlos asked wearily; not understanding the burnettes behavior.

"What?" Logan barked. The snap had the Latino taking a set back.

"Are you okay?" Carlos asked, his voice shaking in the process.

"No, I'm not," Logan said hotly. "So just leave me alone." Normally when Logan asked for space, Carlso would give it to him. But the way he was acting seemed abnormal to Carlos, and he wanted to know what was wrong.

"Logan what's wrong?" Carlos requested. "Did something happen at Camilles house?" The reason Logan was out tonight was because Camille had asked him to come over and hang out while helping her with her script.

"No, nothing happened," he said bitterly.

"Logan don't lie to me, something happened, now tell me what it is," Carlos demaned.

"Just drop it," Logan said tightly.

"Look, I've been worried sick ever scene you didn't come home. I left you seven voicemails and fourteen texts, and you didn't reply to any of them. Now something happened and I want to know what."

"JUST SHUT UP!" Logan screamed.

"_THEN TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!" _Carlos yelled back.

"GOD NOTHING HAPPENED!" The older boy screetced.

"SOMETHING DID HAPPEN, NOW TELL ME WHAT IT IS!" Carlos said his voice becomeing strained from the yelling. Never in his life had Carlos been in this situation. Yes he had been in arguments, but non that had had him screaming at someone.

Just as he was about to asked Logan in a calmer voice what had happened, when he felt a fist connect to his jaw. The smaller boy let out a startled cry as he tumbled to the floor, feeling the pain of the hard punch.

"Oh my god, _Logan,_" Carlos cried, holding a hand to his jaw. He was about to start hyperventilating, because Logan. Hit. Him.

"I said, _shut up," _Logan said.

"...Y-you... y-ou just _hit me,_" Carlos choacked out.

"And?" Logan said dissmisivly; obvoiusly unfazed by the boy on the floor holding his jaw.

"..._Why?" _The ravin asked, fighting back the building tears in his eyes.

"You wanna know why?" Logan asked facetiously, glaring at his boyfriend. "You never _shut up. _I just want some god damn space and you wont leave me alone!"

"Then I guess I'll leave you alone," Carlos wispered, slowly getting up off the floor.

"And it's not just that," Logan spat at him. "Why the hell would you keep calling me?"

"I told you I was worried," the Latino said in a small voice.

"I was having the best damn time of my _life, _and then your annoying phone calls have to go and ruin it," Logan said angrily.

"I'm sorry," Carlos said feebly.

"No your not, or else you wouldn't have done it."

"I'm sorry," Carlos repeted. "I just wanted to know you were okay."

"God you are like the most over protective boyfriend EVER!" Logan shouted. "Why can't you just be normal?"

Carlos's breath hitched when Logan asked why he couldn't be normal. Sure he did things that were different from other people, but he didn't know it was a bad thing. He didn't know that Logan hated that- because if Carlos was aware of this he would have stopped.

"I g-guess I could try and stop... if you want..." Carlos mumbled. He would anything right now to get Logan to stop talking to him like this. But aparently this was the wrong thing to say.

"Fuck your such a kiss up, Carlos!" Logan bellowed at him. "What the hell?"

"L-L-Logan," Carlos blubbered out, tears finally rolling over his cheeks. "W-what's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with _me_?" Logan repeted, acid leaking through ever word. "I've spent the last year with an ass like _you,_ that's what's wrong with me," Logan stated. All Carlos could do was cry, just close his eyes and cry. He thought Logan _loved _him, he thought he had found his other half in Logan, but now...

"P-p-p-ple-ase, p-p-please Logie," Carlos choacked out, the nickname coming out absentmindidly.

"Do _not _call me that," Logan warned him.

"L-Lo- Logan," Carlos wimpered, his voice coming out shallow.

"You know what Carlos?" Logan said to him. "It's over."

At first Logan's words didn't sink in, but as soon as they did Carlos's head snapped up. "WHAT? NO! NO NO GOD NO! PLEASE LOGAN! OH MY GOD NO! IT'S NOT OVER, PLEASE GOD TELL ME YOUR LIEING!" He cried.

"I'm not lieing Carlos, really it's over," Logan told him sternly.

Carlos's heart was being ripped out of his chest, "BUT I LOVE YOU! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME, PLEASE GOD, LOGAN DON'T LEAVE ME!"

"But I don't love you," he said cruelly. Logan turned away from Carlos and started to head for the door, hearing Carlos's words fall behind him.

"LOGAN, LOGAN, PLEASE I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME!" He begged.

"Goodbye Carlos," Logan said. The last words Carlos heard of his lover.

*_**End Flashback***_

The memory alone was enough to bring Carlos to tears. For the longest time Carlos had thought he had been the reason for their break-up but now, after hearing Logan admit that it wasn't and listening to Logan's song, he realized that he should stop blaming himself.

"It's not my fault, it's not my fault," he repeted to himself. A knock on the door made Carlos jump from his bed.

"Carlos?" Someone asked him, stepping inside the Latino noticed his blonde friend in the doorway.

"Hey Kendall," Carlos greeted him.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked him. The younger boy nodded his head, so the blonde closed the door and went to sit on the edge of the bed.

"You know it's almost six?" Kendall asked him.

"Really?" Carlos asked, shocked. _Man I must have been in here longer than I thought, _He said to himself.

"Yeah really," Kenall told him. "So... Have you made up your mind or anything?"

Carlos sighed before turning his gaze over to his bed sheets. "I don't know... but I do know it's not my fault."

"_You're falt?" _Kendall asked confussed. "What do you mean you fault?"

"It's not my fault that we broke-up," Carlos explained to him.

"What the- Goodness Carlos, Is this the reason you've been a hermit for a year?" Kenall questioned him. "Because you thought that for some reason it was your fault?"

"Well... Yeah," Carlos admitted.

"Carlos I was never your fault," Kendall told him.

"I know that know," Carlos muttered, before returning his eyes back to his friend. "Do you think I should take him back?"

Kendall was taken back by Carlos's sudden question. After taking a deep breath he spoke up. "You said that the only one in your heart was Logan. If you are willing to forgive him for what he did, and trust him enough not to do it again, then I would say yes."

"O-_kay,_" Carlos said bitting down on his lower lip.

"Look Carlos. That's a lot to ask for from one person, but I know Logan would do it for you. Despite what he said, he does love you. You may or may not believe him when he says that. But he truely does."

"Thanks Kendall," Carlos said to him, reaching over to give him a hug.

Kendall returned the hug before smiling at the Latino."He's still at the park, if you want to see him. He said that he would be there till seven."

Carlos smiled back, the first time in a year that Kendall had seen this. "I'll see you later," he said before walking out the bedroom door.

**At Palmwoods Park **

Carlos had walked to the park in a rush, wanting to find Logan and tell him. He spotted him sitting on the same bench as earlier, strumming cords on his guitar.

"Logan," Carlos whispered as he reached the bench.

"Carlos hi," Logan said; setting his gutar on the ground he meet the shorter boys eyes with hope. "So... have you thought about... what I said?"

"Yeah I have," Carlos said, taking a set on the bench.

"Well?" Logan asked him, his voice semi- steady. Carlos didn't answer Logan question, he just looked into those brown eyes, re-memorizing their color and glow. "Carlos?" Logan asked him, his eyes turning weary in a second. Carlos leaned forward, bringing his lips to brush sofly over Logan's. When they pulled away Carlos sighed.

"Logan I need you to hear something," Carlos told him

"I'm listening," Logan answered immediately.

"I'm going to forgive you, because I can't see loving someone who isn't you. And I'm going to trust that you wont do that to me again."

"Carlos I _swear _I wont do that to you again. I will _never _put you through anything like that again. You can trust me, because I love you."

"Thank you Logie," Carlos smiled. "That's what I needed to hear you say." They both leaned in and shared another kiss, letting their bodies be controlledby their hearts, not by their minds.

**So that was how I decided to end it.. Watcha think? Let me know :) **


End file.
